happy chap

this morning i got an email that the subject was "T-shirts that get you LAID" so of course i have to click, i mean damn, if a t-shirt can get my ugly ass laid then hell i don't need to get all that plastic surgury and i can stop taking all 20 of those penis enlarging pills. they are making me kind of weeezie anyways, and with all the growing going on down there things look kind of green. i figure that is normal. but now with the get laid t-shirt i can throw all that crap away - so like i ordered 7 of them one for every day of the week, so like i plan on bein in bed most of the rest of my life or until the shirts wear out. but i wonder 'do i have to keep the shirts on during intercourse, or can i take them off?' the site didn't saying anything to that effect in their FAQ. i shall have to email customer service with that quandary. i did however get the 2 day express shipping for an extra 129.93 i figured a few less days of masturbating might do me some good. that gives me two days to clean up the house and change the sheets before they get really NASTY if you know what i mean NASTY NASTY. I also came up with a plan to take my picture with these shirts on and put them on myspace, so then all my friends well TOM will see me in them, so they will be like damn i wanna be your friend, damn i want you to be my man, damn i wann be in your pants.... damn those shirts are HOT I envision the power of these shirts to be like when the Death Star pulls in the millenium falcon, they could not resist, they could not run, i just hope they don't have smugglers hidding in the cargo holds.

Noisey Yet QUIET

i think its time for a rebirth. its the noise or the lack thereof. why can't people just not talk to me when im like this. if people where half observant as they are fucking stupid it might be a nice place to live. but thats not really the point here now is it. im tired of people and their stupid emotions, if your going to be sad bastardy fuck off and go someplace else, most of the time its not even true anyway, its that fake emo shit. go fucking cry in the corner and get over it. yeah i hate you get over it. of course i am talking mad shit, im not angry, im just tired of people putting their shit on me. im good, i got enough shit thanks, keep it foryourself, go pay a shrink do something else besides tell me, to be truthfull i don't really give a shit - unless it has to do with like legos, scooters or penises i don't want to know. im good. thanks - go tell it on the mountain as they say and while your up there fucking fall right off. monkeys got it made they just eat bananas, fuck, masturbate, and thrw poo all day. if i only got to do two of those i would be happy.
did i ever tell you that i kind of hate mondays, especially on those long sunday nights where i can't fucking sleep because my mind just keeps spinning and spinning, i will be good here ina few min after i down another cup of coffee. i fix my emotions the proper way - WITH DRUGS.
also do me a favor - dont ask me why i was mad. i will have forgotten this whole tirade by later today - so don't try to FIGURE ME OUT. its all dumb and useless anyway. I can feel it disipating now. Ahhh like a good pooo. Its all gone, now im done with that, you and this fucking post.

I Love Laptops

and why you ask do i love laptops. because i can sit here in my bed in my underwear and play on the computer. its great really. i present myself to the world in my undies. its fucking great i tell. to all those bastards who have to sit at a desk in clothing to read this HA HA HA. Get yourself a laptop get naked and enjoy the day. Sad thing is the only thing on tv today is bull riding and i can't really handle that too much. Every time i see a cowboy i think BrokeBack Mountain. 8 seconds buddy 8 seconds. I do like the clowns - though they must be completelly fucking stupid, but hey different strokes for different folks (jesus i can't believe i typed that, must be the underwear)
todays pictures is actually a lil old - its from the day after i got my wisdom teeth pulled and i look like someone beat the shit out of me. i don't feel that way today though i feel great. i didn't feel it that day either - them drugs was good - notice the lost glazed look in my eyes - i was in fucking heaven let me tell you - i refer to those few days as my most recent vacation. i have no idea where the fuck i went but it was great and the pudding there was awesome. now off to play in the sunshine.

I used Dream

i like a good rainy saturday. i have a laundry list of things to do today - including laundry. of course i might just sit her all day in my pajamas and not do a damn thing, i've got a great headstart on that - it is 1:30 in the afternoon.
things to do today
-go to scooter store to check on my baby and buy parts for my other baby
-return my pops xmas present and get one that fucking works this time
-laundry (im down to the ugly socks and old underwear)
-get tax papers together (fun shit i tell you)
-pay bills (i hate all people i owe money too :) )
-aptrickphoto needs some damn love
-get a portfolio together to show next week (3 places want to see ME)
-backup shit off my fucked up computer (its gone retarded i tell you straight up fucking retarded)
-look for a new computer
-continue my search for YRB magazine (if you find it look to the middle you will see a picture of me eating a banana) if you do find one buy two and send one to me i will eat a banana in front of you.
-Do Not Look At MySpace
-Sort through photos
-set list (new photo shoot crap)

well if your out today and you see a dude in his pajamas driving a dirty car and still looking half asleep that will be me. say hi. i will show you my scars.

Chocolate McMilkShake

i was thinking last night while i couldn't fucking sleep about the deep freeze and my mom. i have no idea why we had so much food. my moms packed that shit up in her deep freeze and we waited on the halocoust or whatever might happen. like someone really gives two shits about some lil family in missouri with a deep freeze full of shit. of course while i was thinking about all the massive amounts of shit we had in this deep freeze it hit me. my mother loved the schwans man. all the mothers on our block would get all crazy on the second thursday of the month, they would cook up all the old shit to make room for the new stuff. they would all hover behind their doors waiting for him to ring the bell and take their order, walking them though his little glossy brochure. it was kind of sad to watch. oh well.
"MY MOTHER HAD A DEEP FREEZE AND LOVED THE SCHWANS MAN!"
word, my exact thoughts last night - don't take that wrong like she was banging the ice cream man, no she just loved the fact that he brought the food to her. housewives get off on shit like that, of course it didn't hurt that he was like 20something and fit and wore shorts - i remember that shit - i wanted to be a schwans man when i was a kid, i figured that would be the best way to find my sugar mama, she who buys the most ice cream is the sweetest and the richest and probably will die the fastest. that was my plan in the fourth grade. i had an ugly teacher so i couldn't seduce her, i had to plan, work on the plan, i used all 64 colors in my super crayon box to make the plan, but of course by fifth grade i abbondoned all my thoughts and dreams when i started hangin out with the cool kids. fuck the schwans man he was a fucking sucker. im gonna sell drugs or do fuckin hits for a livin. i was going to kill the schwans man then run drugs in the truck - new plan. yeah then sixth grade came along and we moved once again to the far reaches of the fucking planet - those backwoods fuckers had never even seen the schwans man, i swear my mother was depressed for over a year, then one day she saw that truck, BING she was happy again, but it was a different schwans man, go figure. things were never the same, we still had a deep freeze and she still bought stuff from the schwans man but it wasn't as much fun as before. none of us thought so.
My mother still has her deep freeze, of course all her childrens has moved out so she has no real reason to keep it full. but she does... thats my story for the day

Mail-In Rebate

I washed my socks this morning - i like to watch the washer eat them, if i was a washer i would spit them back.
"Gross yuck, what the hell do you do in your socks boy?" - mr washer
"Umm i wear them... Jeez mr washer why are you so moody today?" - pmp
"Well as you might have guessed being a washer really isn't all its cracked up to be, i mean yeah i like dirt, stains, and all that stuff. Its just you guys keep me down here in the dark, i only get light when you are feeding me then off you go. I just wish sometimes i could be like the Television." - mr washer
"I don't really watch much television, well i have been lately because im sick of living but other than that i don't watch much television." - pmp
"Well you know how you hang out with the television, you sit in front of him and you watch him for hours and hours and hours, you look at me for maybe three minutes max, you fill me up, tweak my knobs and your gone. I mean what kind of a life is that." - mr washer
"Really to tell you the truth mr washer if people would only bother me for three minutes out of the day i would love it. I mean how do you think the tv feels, us looking at him all day long, i mean he is bound to have a complex, i bet he would give six remote controls to be you." - pmp
"You know potty i never really thought about it that way, i don't think i could handle people looking at me all day long, especially with all those scratches i have from getting moved down here in the first place." - the washer
"See mr washer you do have it made." - pmp
"Yeah, if i get bored i can always dump water on the floor and make the dryer short circuit. Sweet thanks for the pep talk potty, now give me those dirty ass socks, and don't think i don't know what you do with your dirty socks." - the washer
"I got no idea what your talkin about." slams the lid closed. "Later dude, get that shit clean will ya."
"No problem." - mr washer says with bubbles coming out of his lid.
"PIMP>..." - pmp exits
- florescent lights fade off
- the sound of the washer chugging away is heard in the background
- the sound of pmp shuffling up the stairs
T H E E N D

I shall hold your hand

i hate morning people - - they annoy me :D
so maybe i don't hate them - i just get tired of them bugging me - morning people have this thing (they are a cult i tell you) where they like to talk to those of us who hate the morning - engaging conversations is what they want not a yes no kinda thing. i think us night people should be allowed to go visit these people late at night and poke them while they are sleeping "Hey man what do you think about the war? Is Bush doing a great job? So whats your theory on the recent real estate slump?" Make those fuckers get out of bed and make charts and graphs and talk and talk until your happy. But even then i won't make it correct. Btw i can't hold your hand - i can't touch you - it will never happen - - - - - i melt when i touch people. Im a hole forget about it. Im cool too, while im at it. I dreamed this morning that i was hanging out ontop of the sears tower like on the top not like in that lil room where you view the city from all safe n shit this was like tip top hangin on the wires and antennas n shit. it was kinda cool - then the stupid thought went through my head - why the hell would they let people up here because some dumb ass is gonna fall - then another thought - why is it some dumb ass has to fuck things up - we should just make a drug to kill dumb asses. or at least make it so they can't breeed anymore. choppem balls off. carve out the uttey. ahhh what a dictator i would make - first order of my reign all rich white guys will surrender their loot then their 20yr old fake plastic wives.
- second order if you have even convicted for touching a child - FUCK YOU YOUR DEAD off with your head - actually i think i will just send you to china
- third order teachers will make more money reform of the police (no more morons and exbullys they will be shot on site)
- fourth if you own an suv you will be ordered to drive it into the nearest lake with you and your family inside of it..

Tight Perm

I love fluff. Those fluffly little bastards. Wow. There are so many writers out there that well they just fucking suck, suck hard, and suck not so good, they wouldn't even make in the corner or Paseo and Independence Ave. yeah and thats bad. Put your balls on the table and don't fucking regret it, say it don't worry about it. Jezzus and no YOUR NOT THAT SMART... Who am i talking about... well that chick who wanted to race me this morning in her ugly fucking VW passat. She had a tight perm and a mean grip on her coffee. I thought she might be fun to fuck or fuck with. I get bored on my 8 minute commute to work. I like a good stressed out chick. Especially with a tight perm. Makes you wonder if those two corrilate. You never see hippie chicks with tight hair, you have tight hair you will be upTIGHT. There i said it. Ground breaking. yes i know. WHY IN THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT HAIR - - because there is really nothing all that exciting in my life today. I woke up i got dressed i didn't have time to masturbate but then i went to work and now well im at work. so there. last night was about the same, i worked, i went to the GYM ima get buff yo, then i went to mccoys with the roomies +1, after that i sorta fell asleep watching pbs, then i woke up and went over some designs and looked at houses and listended to music for the rest of the night. Then i watched more PBS until i feel asleep again. Wow now that was fucking exciting wasn't it.

Fancy Claps

Im running late - but i am not afraid.

-yeah jumped the publish gun on that one
- hi its monday and i am happy
- hi its monday and i am tired
- hi its monday and i HATE YOU
- want to eat lunch with me on the roof
- bananas and burritos = MY FAVORITE

having a hard time finding something to listen to this morning.

what you say

What you thought i was going to miss a day - pffffffffffffft. please... especially a sunday FUCK me and jesus i would never miss that.

I am not actually your friend

seems my server reset last night and everything from friday is now missing. so now its thursday again. weird. groundhog day kinda. so last night never happend. i didn't drink cheap beer and watch werid chicks roll around a bar on roller skates. i never heard the phrase PAPPAHHYY YOUR ORDER READY!! i never inhaled all that second hand smoke at the fleamarket. sweet.. i still feel like i did though

Mini Mix - Bringem on IN

we sit down we eat, we never talk, we watch the candles on the table flicker, the crackle of the record as it comes through the 30 year old speakers your father left us. knives scraping on your grandmothers wedding china, a pattern i hate but you seem to love. dinner used to be fun, spontanous, we would use the microwave, or hit the drive-thru, or have it delivered by a squeeky teenage kid with too many pimples. i miss those days. now dinner is dinner. a well chosen well selected well put together meal. boring as that might just be. i want to piss on this table cloth then set it on fire or both, smash this ugly fucking china against the wall then build a nice big bomb in the garage, detonate it and level this whole fucking life.
"yes honey please pass the butter"

Donut HOles ROCK my WEENA

there is a pig on my computer - well actually three. they made fun of me as lyndon and i raced through the donut hole competition. he won i think. im not sure, all i know is that i hurt - - - way way way too much sugar that early in the mornin. now i feel like fat alburt needin an insulin shot. makin little birhouses in our souls. i had to change the music, guess what i put on.
robins jetpack broke this morning (kitty kitty rewired it trying to kill her off, i know this for a fact, i saw wire in her poop balls) so i had to wake up early 8:30 and take her to work. i will kill that cat later. poop balls in all.

Truck Driving School

HONK HONK
off i go
learn to drive a truck...
lot lizards get ready...
beef jerkme here i come....

BarSnot

i think i will sell some of my barsnot on ebay. i could fill a few film canisters of it. great stuff (bar - snot = your nose the next morning after hanging out in a smokey bar the night before) there ya go. its all robins fault. so i had to get up this morning and feed my pet hippo he was pissed that the stupid robot Clifford didn't get out there but Clifford tripped over Kitty Kittys puke pile in front of the tv and fell over and well he couldn't get up. I disabled his "I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T UP" response because well you should have that one figured out. I have a smart ass robot. So once again Kitty Kitty is out to fucking ruin me, meowing at the door like she loves me, she is trying to lour me into the puke trap. Once i got down there to find Clifford all fucked up i noticed she had 7 tvs stacked up on the one tv so that she could tip them over on me once i fell. She is smart one. So i open the front door and kick her the fuck outside, i know once i get back from work she will be sitting in my bed (i bet she rewires my electric blanket, so when i turn it on i get shocked) So Cletus was pissed (my hippo) i fed him 3 boxes of lucky charms and that seemed to make him much happier, he told me Clifford never gives him the real shit, just that crap that comes in the plastic bags, and im trying to figure out then what the fuck does clifford do with all the boxes of luck charms that i buy, then cletus tells me all about it.
Clifford runs a soup kitchen kind of thing out of our shed, but its expensive, so its more like extorsion, seems kitty kitty is behind it. THey force all the old ladies in the neighborhoood to come over and eat the real lucky charms and fork over 50 dollars a bowl. Well fuck me. The money is then used to buy supplies, seems there is a network of tunnels all over our neighborhood, all the cats and all the old ladies hide in them and train. Their outfits are all made from granny yarn and theyknow lots of tricks n shit, they eat lots of lucky charms. Cletus is a little worried, i really don't give a fuck, i mean what the fuck is some sugared up old lady and a fucking cat going to do to me. I will just fucking lock the door. I have no problem kickin an old bag in the hip (the weakspot) SWEEP THE HIP PAPPY. SWEEP THE HIP PAPPY. then i will go off into the sunset with my new bitch and my new car that some old chinese guy gave me and i did no sexual favors for. What a day.

Hello MLK

whenever i see MLK written down i think of Milk, not martin luther king jr. they should rethink that when they write it down like that MLK = MILK and milk is WHITE. They should put a c in there for chocolate milk. CMLK. Im sure someone would get offended and we would have to kill 7 indians and a few mexicans just to make up for it. Not to mention puppies. We might have to strangle a few puppies. Now if they would actually show people pictures of them killing these dogs/puppies/kitties people would have more instead of one or two. Me i am a heartless bastard so i would only have 4, a few kitties and a big white doggie. Even though kitties suck ass and report to the government. But doggies that hog the bed are cool. I think i have kind of wrote myself into a corner this morning. Oh well fuck it nobody really reads this thing anyway. I will plead insanity anyway, then put kitties all over your yard to watch you and report to me, and tell me all the gross things you do while alone. Then i will have to open up a new website, like i don't have enough already but this will be blackmailkitties.com or some shit like that... wait thats another work blackmail now why is it that blackmail or blackmale hmmmmmmm... i could be an activist yet, but prolly not because i am lazy and really dont give a fuck. Everybody hates me so hey we are fucking even. Btw there was mouse poop on my desk today, WORD... I will play with it later, i think they were playing with my mini scooter colection or molesting the robots, hard call, if i was a moust i would fuck all the toys then crash all the scooters.

Unlock the Secrets

last night i went to steak and shake and had a chocolate malt - it was good - it did not eat the cherry - they scare me. they taste stale and gross, i like fresh cherries just not those other things they call cherries. one of my favorite things to do on a sunday - drink 2 red bulls really really fast then jam out to drum n bass also really really loud. then count how long it takes til you either feel like you just drizzled your pants or that your head just might explode. its a most wonderful feeling. then after you either clean like a maniac or go out and bug people, its like a glimpse into the life of a methhead but doesn't last as long - thank fucking god.
anyway thats sunday for you - if your in the house of the lord later tell that ninja i said WHAT UP... G likes to ride scooters too, the mother fucker don't talk much he just likes to ride. Open face helmet crunchin on lots o bananas the whole damn time, its a site i tell you its a site, i tried to take a picture once but all that showed up was the tube of lots o bananas.

Look at the trees, look at my Face

look wow this computer works again
im so happy i could smile BIG
but the sun is shinin and my scooter is callin my name
P A P P Y Y Y
c o m e r i d e m e
P A P P Y Y Y
c o m e r i d e m e
P A P P Y Y Y
c o m e r i d e m e
P A P P Y Y Y
c o m e r i d e m e
P A P P Y Y Y
c o m e r i d e m e
of course it could just be the imaginary supermodels up in my bed, i wore them all out last night, we had fun...

IMA GET my JASON mask

some days i just want to sit in the floor and drink chocolate milk and pick out all the mellows from a box of lucky charms seperating them by color and shape of charm then toss all that other brown shit away. after that i might draw some faces on paper put them on the lucky charms box or plastic milk carton full of water and take them into the back yard and shoot them with my bb gun, after that i might like to take a bike ride around the block a few times maybe venturing over to the park or the pool or even both, after a good hour or so of swimming during adult swim time i would make my way to knox's drive in and order me up a special or a chicken strip box or maybe even a tiger burger (for you lee) then play a few video games while i wait. after i chow down sitting at the table in front looking out the window at all the cars that drive by i would hop back on the bike for a brisk ride down to the river, thats the mississippi, i know how to spell it now. throwing rocks into the river never really does get old neither does looking at all the interesting things that have washed up. i also like to sit on a huge rock and watch the barges go up and down the river, that is always great fun. when i got tired of that i would head back a different way then i came though, trying to find streets or alleys i have never been down then stopping at one of the three places in town for candy and or an orange crush or orange vess (ozzy smiths favorite drink), i would down that on my way back to the pool and or park swim or hang out until the pool was closed then it is time to head home for dinner. dinner is always fun, there is always at least 2 extra people at our table every night, friends of one of my brothers or one of my few friends, but its always interesting, sometimes if one of my brothers bands where practicing that night there would be 2 friends plus 5-6 band members im talkin rock bands not that pusssy march in line shit (like i was in jr high) after that it would be bike riding or playing kick the can or hiddin seek or some other game we invented, once it was time to come in we would all head to the basement, all the brothers + band members + friends, there it was attari and music time... then when everyone was either asleep or gone home (which didn't happen all that often, everyone loved our house for some reason, my parents raised more than four kids, they raised half the neighborhood) after it was dark and quiet i would open up my shades and stare at the moon or the stars and if he was there i would open up my window so i could hear the owl that perches in the tree outside my window. he was a cool owl.

of course this is not entirely true well it is actually but kind of blend of ages and places but its all summer and its all fun and if for some odd reason my life was to be a loop and i could pick the age at which i would stay forever it would be 9 or 10 and i would live in ft sill oklahoma (one of my favorite growin up places, not much interest to adults but great place for kids) now i am done...

I love it when the sun shines through

on with the morning address off with your morning dress - out the window it goes, while the sun shines in. i forgot to open my shade last night so my room was super dark this mornin - meanin i didn't want to get out of the bed. then i opened them and was like wow the sun is shiney - wow.
sorry i keep getting interupted so i can't finish a thought - busy today - not usually like this - i always have plenty of time to cuss and what not before i have to do anything too serious. yeah completely lost the train of thought now - so um fuck you and then lick on my chicostick - now for a lil Ms John Soda - yes this is like the most boring entry to date. Yes its over now you can continue to jab that fork into your eye. Yes please send me some blood and brain matter in a mayonaise jar.

I Love Spreadsheets

for some strange reason i have a gasmask and a roll of police line in my trunk and a flask of brandy (a few years old now). those are my preperations for war or a bad date i haven't really figured it out yet. i met this girl once that loved making spreadsheets, i spread her sheets then ran. i did not need her organizing my life, dot here, sum+yourmom+me+nasty+my3rdleg = TIME TO RUN... me and gumby are gonna ride scooters this weekend in the freeezing cold it will be fun he will be green i will be frozen, when we get done we can go back to my house and make smoothies and watch walker texas ranger season 1 on dvd today then we can smile at the ceiling (i really want to know if his thing is green too and gummy) {spearmint}.
this one time i didn't go to band camp
i went to church camp
i met chuck
chuck could not say S it came out as an N
so in the woods one day we saw a "NAKE"
it was great
i tipped over all the canoes then i pushed the trailer in the water too
i skipped the church part every morning by faking sick then i would sneak off
i am an expert fake sicker (my mothers a nurse i had to be good)
since i like my job now i haven't had to fake sick in a few years my last job however sometimes i would owe them money i missed so much. i shall not give you advice on how to fake sick just watch ferris he knows. i always wanted to be that cool but ferris would have gotten the shit kicked out of him daily in my hometown. he would be home everyday faking sick nursing that fresh blackeye he got the day before from BUBBA.
I like to ramble - did you notice that
i bet you didn't even make it this far
WELL FUCK YOU
its hump day afterall LETS HUMP like a wild pack of scalp seeking injuns or whales hiding from those crazy eskimoes that just want they blubba or purple lipstick wearin no teeth havin ghetto prostitutes that suck it down for a dolla and swollow - SLURP SLURP

Huggy's Parade

I love those mornings when you wake up with a pouding headache and your clothes are still on. Yeah those are great. I felt much better after a nice hot shower though, scrubbed down the goods, washed the funk out my head. Still a little retarded but nothing i can't get over with a few more cups of liquid GOLD - bitches. I was actually refering to coffee not that other liquid gold stuff you can save that for some other german. Matthew Dear in my ear i don't think is helping matters much, weird minimal techno is prolly not good for pappy this morning. FUCK YOU. How can you go wrong with Huffing Stuff, that is a song title, no i didn't hit the paint can before i started typing. I did however shove a sharpie up my nose. I figured i would color my brain black, so i really know what its like. Then i realized that was a dumb idea and that i should go green instead just because well martians are green at least god i hope so otherwise all the sci-fi nerd dork dudes have been wrong all these years i mean what kind of disapointment would that be to find out martians are really orange or yellow or pink or any other color but green that would be a devistating blow to the sci-fi community there would be mass succicides mass graves mass dorkiness i would totally take advantage of the sci-fi community and change the name to pappy-fi the new martians would be in the shape of penisis that love to chase homos and soccer moms (becasue they neeed them the most) yes then i will hand out headbands that say I LOVE THE COCK and everyone will wear them and there will be no more war just penises and everyone will be happy and goooey THE END

I could really use some brownies toninght HMMMM HMMMM

7/4 (Shoreline)

its one of those mornings where i need some good spacey music and strong coffee. then to smile redikulasly at the ceiling. its grey today like my lungs. my drugs need to kick in. so i can clear the fog between me and my monitor, my fingers work, but there is a haze. i was trying to think of my favorite albums of the year but then it really didn't make any sense so i stopped trying to do that. whats the point in making a list like that, if ya know me you know what i listen too. i still want a pet hippo though. we could hang out, he could knock holes in my fence and chase the cats around. toss kitty kitty into the air, eat the shortbus in the rednecks backyard behind us. Yes they have a shortbus. I want to borrow it. Hell i want to own it, get me a helmet and jump that bitch, i need a wheelchair volunteer for the back though. I will deliver you safely. We shall lick all windows.
i wonder if i should read through these before ihit the button, nahh. that would take time, more time then it took me to write it. i usually have about a 3 min time limit. that explains a lot don't it. like you really give a fuck. like you even make it to this line. nothing about penises or where you put penises so im done here that is the thought of most readers, i love to see what people are searching for when they find this site. the world is full of gross motherfuckers (me included) well we are all in safe company now. lets eat cookies and solve world hunger. after that we can have a group rub down, smoke some hash and impregnate the presidents daughter.

Cliff Drive

daniel and i went for a nice long scooter ride today - well until the wind got too damn strong and cold. but yeah it was cool yeah it got cold. cliff drive again this time slower with a little offroad around the barrier action going on. our scooters are definatly not made to go offroad it was damn funny i laughed ha ha. so really thats kinda boring stuff but thats what i did today. rode around the old part of the city, the ruins. its amazing the things and places that go to ruin people just forget them, whole neighborhoods, parks, roads, its really kind of neat... ok that was super dork here over and out.

Cold Pizza for Breakfast

I think the healthy food kick is over - for now anyway. 700 pounds here i come. I will be the super fat guy on a scooter, ass crack jumpin out my pants as my poor scooter scrapes when i hit a bump. No more dukes of hazard jumping unless i can get a cadillac to slingshot me, hmmm theres an idea. I wonder if 700 pound dudes break easily or with all the padding do they just sorta bounce around. See this is sounding good, 17 large butter and beef pizzas on the way. I will make a goal of 50 pounds a week. God i can't wait until i can bounce like a super ball. I will be so cool.

How the FUCK should I KNOW

i had no idea it was friday until shali told me. it feels like a wednesday to me, like im halfway there. friday today is like i cheated. WORD i ain't sayin shit though just in case they tell me otherwise.

So HI!!

ummmm...

last night i did not play with my weena. i watched BIG instead. i then got on ebay to see if i could find a zoltar machine. i did. i bought it. it will be here in 2 1/2 weeks. wishes will cost more than one quarter though, i learned there is a gold coing about the size of a quarter awhile aback. so i will set up my zoltar to only take those. i hope its liket he one in the movie so that i don't have to plug it in, because i bet wish granting takes up shit tons of electricity. i can just see that little wheel on the back of the house that measure the gigawattes we use spinnin so damn fast fuckin smoke fills up in that lil glass tube its in. now that would be sweet. fuckin doc brown jumps up from behind the deck GREAT SCOTT PAPPY THATS SOME FUCKIN JUCIE YOUR SUCKIN. then i would be like hey doc speakin of suckin some jucie come on upstairs. ARRR LETS PLAY PIRATE!!! MAP THAT BOOTY

GREAT SCOTT that was just weird... sometimes it just goes that way, i have to follow through though otherwise i will be like wait that was funny why didn't i do that. I was always the kid that got in trouble for making fun of retards and dead people, i can't help it my humor is a lil twisted but not really i just find humor in places other people don't look. i mean really whats with being sad and depressed all the fucking time, who the hell wants that, (besides the drug makers) i mean what the fuck do you have to be sad about. if your nuts are still there and your peepee or vagina still works then hey go play with that for awhile that always cures the woes for me. nothing like peepee doctor for 3 hours to make me smile, then afterwords i give my self a loli its the greatest.

I want to dance around my office this morning VHS or BETA is da shizzle after 2 cups of the black stuff. Ok i will shut up now you get back to work and i might do the same thing.

Randy Describes Eternity *to ME

things that make me happy:
strong coffee
caffine in general i think
ice cold beer in the summer(in a bottle)
the sun shining on my face
riding my scooter
not having to worry about money (i need a sugar mama)
toys especially large piles of them
sandboxes (there is a great one by my house but we have to sneak our trucks down there at night because the moms get pissy, all the kids in the hood leave their trucks there though so its great, i can burry robin and kyle)
music in general (that is good, i love having 1800 albums at the touch of a button, that makes me super happy)
making people laugh (hence this stupid website and a majority of all the stupid shit that i do, i like to giggle to myself, i hear i do that in my sleep, im just a happy mofucka what can i say)
riding bikes
taking pictures (as if you couldn't tell that one)
writing (i like it when the story takes over and after your like ummm where the fuck did that come from, your fingers just move, its great, better than Head from Darth Vader)
candy (most all candy, RUnts in general especially bananana)
rolling down hills (steamrolla style, oh its also fun in a sleeping bag too, YEAH)
climbing trees (i want to be limber and weight 75 pounds again)
coloring (crayons is da shit, finger paints are cool too)
HMMMM ok after looking down my list i think i should just be 10 again
oh i forgot playing with my peepee (hey im 10 again)
juice boxes are cool too
making lists that follow no order whatsoever
making shit up
I LOVE IT
so when you get here just SMILE like you climbed all the way to the top of the biggest tree in town holding a juciebox with a slight bit of caffine in it, then when you done Pee on the first person who walks by. IM out (becareful walking under trees near my house, i just got a 12 pack of beer in the juciebox and some monkey shoes)

Transfiguration #1 (me=SLINKY)

Last night i became a slinky. I bounced down the stairs then sat down at the bottom laughing. I chased Kitty Kitty around the house then snared her with my metal claws. She grabed the other end of my slink and stuck it into the nearest light socket then jumped out of my grib avoiding the massive 120 gigawatt shock. Luckily being a slinky it didn't really affect me too much, im metal im used to it. I then was transformed into a pokemon like creature so i could seek revenge on that bitch of a spy cat. She had moved to my favorite chair and was clawing the fuck out of the back of it making a right nice mess of it (her second favorite thing to do besides spy and pee on my things then pretend she is OH SO SWEET, im on to the little furry bitch i tell you, she is going down) SO now im like yellow and plush(y) and i can bounce aroundt he house like its a fucking pinball machine. I am for the chair knocking it over trying to crush the little bitch but she has escaped under the couch i have to bounce around the room a few more times i kill the ugly lamp and the 1930's radio console thing that doesn't even work - finally after getting a little pissed that the fucking pokemons on tv never seem to have this much problem controling their bounce - i mean shit i am trying to hit a couch in the middle of the fucking room how damn hard can that be - FOR FUCKING REAL. I get a good bounce off the broken chair nail the ceiling right above the couch then slam into the middle cushion seending couch fuzzies all over the damn room. The couch cracks and kicks out the 2 remaining legs and the one apple IIe disk drive holding it up. I GOT THE BITCH I GOT THE BITCH. I wait for the blood the fur the something. But nothing. I transform into the Bulgarian World War II General Konstantin Ludvig Lukash. Once Kitty Kitty saw that (she escaped to the stairs at the last minute) she was fucking scared. I paraded around the room kicking my boots through the couch fuzz, enjoying the feel of being such a powerful man. My PENIS must be huge. SO i forgot all about the cat and went straight to the bathroom to check. Once inside it takes me like 900 years to figure out how in the hell to get these pants down, my god do Generals ever get laid or are they so damn tough they go without, and why the hell do i have a sword, fuck that i chuck that over to the growing pile of shit in the corner, buttons, fuck that too. Finally the ugliest pair of Bulgarian underwear.
"Nice bulge there general", the mirror says to me.
"Thanks you peice of shit mirror now look the other way i tell you, or i will kill you. And while your at it clean yourself and that filthy toilet too."
"AYe - yes sir" the mirror goes black.
I yank down the draws
"LOOK AT THAT WILL YA" mirror
"Oh yes john holmes will be so jealous. I thought i told you not to look"
"Dude i so had to look. What the fuck am i supposed to do, thats my job, i reflect YO. And i will reflect that thing anywhere you want me to, its a beaut. Oh by the way you will never get a chance to show that to John Holmes."
"And why is that." i say stroking the giant general monster.
"Because he is dead, and well your dead too."
"WHAT????"
"Yup... Condemend and convicted of war crimes in 1945, you are put to death via firing squad."
"Now why in the hell would someone shoot this penis."
"YUP."
"DAMN it...."
then i hear the bitch laughing at the door. Meowwhahahwhahwahhwhawhawh
"I will get you kitty kitty, if its the last thing i do. But until then im gonna play with this giant cock of mine. Oh mirror get the camera will ya lets make a video to send to all my internet bitches via my MySpace page. IMADAMAFUCKINGENERALCOCK.com

Did You See The Words

back to the grind - i missed work (not really) but i did. can't say that i did, can't say that i did. so whats weird about today.... um nothing so far really. woke up late (check) morning wood (check) touched myself (check) 3 minute shower (check) drove to work (check) {Ween -Shinola} was my soundtrack this morning. got to work (check) poured coffee (check) talked smack to other employeees (check) put on good music really fucking loud (check) did all the work things (check) damn i really don't know what to do or what to say now (check)
i really shouldn't listen to Jesus and Mary Chain this early in the morning. i have a naked picture of myself (its old actually - i found it when i was home). lets see you wanna see me naked? i doubt it... those fucking chewbaccas will prolly email me again all excited = SHOW ME YA WEENA!! DO IT!! SHOW ME DA WEENA!! DO IT!!
#1 reason i shaved my beard
those weird chewbaccas that kept messaging me on myspace
NO I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMETHING THAT IS HAIRIER THAN I AM
YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK
NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A MOVIE WITH YOU AND YOUR PARTNER
YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK
I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER FUCK CHEWBACCA(not even with your light saber)
RUWHOULKDKAHLKLL (thats wookie for FUCKING NASTY)
They call themselves bears - i call them CHEWBACCAS

ok now i have grossed you all out
myself included
*coughs up hair ball*
double grossed out
never mind me - i used to play records backwards on my playschool record player (STEVE MILLER BAND) is the shit backwards (check)

Shinola

today is the last day of my vacation - its been nice sitting around all morning doing nothing. lots of scooter riding. none today though its balls cold well not balls cold cuz balls iz warm but you know what i be meanin. i have 6million or more photos to go through from my trip to caruthersville, i haven't even looked at them yet... maybe i do that today maybe i won't hell who knows. kyle is addicted to battlefront 2 - he is shoooting stormtroopers as i type as we speak as i listen to them yell and scream at him to take cover. pizza on the way what a beautiful lazy fucking day. i will be here in my pajamas for the rest of this day - say hey if your in my hood - wait actually don't i don't want to communicate on real level... just email me or text message. i shall not answer my phone unless i really love you. now piss off and go do someting important

I Wanna Be A LIL FishiE

i make no resolutions because i can't actual resolve to do anything. maybe i should quit saying fuck so much - oh wait fuck you fuck that i can't fucking do that. it would never work, if i tried not to do it i would just do it more -- the lil punk rocker in my head will not allow that - he wears hot topic clothing though so he's not a real punk, but what do you expect he lives in my head.
it is however a beautiful day in the neighbor hood - as mr rogers would sing but he's dead so i have to sing it for him and well your not here to see me change my underwear on the couch exposing poor little childrens eyes to my naked ass. pictures to come soon.
its a great day for scooter riding must i say more - get out your stinky house and work off that new years hangover - what a way to start the year - blurry eyed and witha huge headache. i did not however drink last night except for coffee - that was the lil straight edge kid in my head